Do the words “some assembly required” send chills down your spine?   They do me.  I want things now!  I want to blink my eyes or wiggle my nose and poof, I have a new china hutch.  The stores lure you in with perfectly assembled shiny bikes, furniture and accessories.  The angels are singing.   “It’s perfect for that little corner.”  “This will make our lives so much better.”  “We can’t live without it!”   So we pull out that tiny slip of paper and bring it to the register.  The clerk rings up our sale and calls to the back.   The man from the back wheels out a small box.  In our confusion, we walk over to check if he has the right item.   It must be right; there’s a picture on the box that looks just like what we bought.

Never-the-less, we load it into the car and head home, trophy in hand.   After wrestling it into the house, we open the box only to find hundreds of little parts????  How could that beautiful china cabinet come from all these little parts?!

And this is where the nightmare begins.  We pull the parts from the box and begin the work of putting it together.  The box usually tells us this is so easy to put together even a fifth grader could do it.  Are we smarter than a fifth grader?  Apparently not.

The test, of not only of our IQ but also our communication skills has begun.   Unfortunately Jay and I speak two different languages (maneese and womaneese) and have totally different ideas of how we should go about assembling it.   I(Christa) believe you should always read the instructions first to get a clear picture of the assembly process….he (Jay) believes….. instructions are for wimps.  I’m not going to take liberties and talk about who is right and who is wrong here, but we all know it’s me.  (Insert cheesy smile)

The point is that we both want the same outcome.  We both have the same goal in mind.  But how can we get to that goal together without fighting against each other?

This process is true for marriage as well:

• You see what you want:  Marriage is a good thing.  You see the friendship, companionship, love and you want it.  Your view of marriage can come from your parents, other marriages, the media, and many other sources.  Your view of marriage may differ slightly from your partner’s view, but over all, you both want the same thing…..a healthy, happy marriage.

• You buy what you want:  You find that perfect someone to share your life with.   The angles are singing.  Your dream has come true.  You found “the one.”  You jump in.  Get hitched.  Your married!

• You bring it home: After the honeymoon phase, you realize, this isn’t all that you thought it should be.  You were sold a perfect marriage but as it is laying in the box in pieces, it doesn’t look the way it is suppose to be.   At this point you can become overwhelmed, disappointed or frustrated.  You may even feel like you made a mistake.

• Assembly Required:  Now the hard part.  Everything isn’t perfect.  You realize you are going to have to work to put these two different lives together.  If you want a good marriage your going to have to do some assembly. So where do you begin?

1. Keep the Goal in Mind: What is your goal for marriage?  Discuss this with your spouse.  Come to an agreement on what you want your marriage to look like.
   
2. Read the Directions: Unfortunately like parenting, marriage does not come with an instruction manual.  But there are many ways to find out how to build a healthy marriage.  Watch successful couples, read marriage books and take classes.  Learn the skills needed to build a strong foundation and a healthy marriage.  
3. Use the Right Tools: Apply what you have learned.  Use good communication skills and learn healthy habits to improve your relationship.
4. Learn Your Partners Language:  Every couple faces one big obstacle .  The person you are sharing your life with speaks a totally different language, has a different personality, and had a different upbringing.  Taking personality quizzes and reading books like, The Five Love Languages, will help you understand your spouse.
   
5. Anything Worth Building Takes Time: Never give up.  A good marriage takes time to build.  Always keep in mind…..this is a work in progress.
   

Twenty Three years ago today, we said I Do!     We never realized all that we would be Saying I Do to.  Kids, mortgage payments, yard work, broken down cars, bills, trials and tribulations.  Whew!!

But we also never knew all the good things we would be Saying I Do to either.  Late nights talking, family vacations, wonderful holiday memories, silly family dance nights, camping in the snow (I don’t know what that was about), baseball games, cross country meets, drivers ed, graduations and now spending everyday together,  running a business (yes, that is on the good list).  PS. The next “good thing” we are waiting for is grand kids…..maybe someday. : )

If we would have thrown in the towel  when things were rough, we would have missed so much.  I’m so glad we stuck it out.  I’m so glad we didn’t give up.

We are Saying I Do Forever!!!

As a gift for our anniversary we ask something of you……

*Make a list of the “Good Things” that you said I Do to.  We would love to hear them.

Being in the wedding industry we work with hundreds of couples each year on one of the biggest celebrations of their lives.  Being a romantic at heart, I (Christa) love these celebrations and hope that every couple gets a chance to start their new life in some sort of celebration.

But after the planning is done, the rice is thrown and the D.J. has packed up and gone home, do we forget to keep celebrating?  The first year or two are easier to keep celebrating.  There is the first home, the first Christmas, and many other first yet to come.  But slowly the firsts become fifths, sixths, and so on.

I ran across this interesting article in Ladies Home Journal called “Science of a Happy Marriage”.  Scientist have begun studying the mystery of why some marriages succeed while others fail.

“Initially marital scientists focused on the negatives that can sabotage a marriage: ways husbands and wives cope with hard times, conflict and unhappiness. But in recent years they have shifted their focus to study the positive interactions that can promote intimacy and forge a stronger bond.”

“Couples who are most committed, intimate and satisfied in their relationship are those who appreciate each others achievements: Your wife’s meeting went well. Your husband finally beat his much younger racquetball partner. One of you got a raise.  Marital scientists have found that celebrating even small accomplishments like these can help a relationship. Using a complex formula, researchers at UCLA and the University  of Rochester measured how partners reacted to positive events in their loved one’s life.  The researchers also assessed the couple’s feelings of commitment, relationship satisfaction and intimacy and found a link between the two: The happiest husbands and wives were those who made the biggest deal out of good things that happened to them.”

In successful couples that rated themselves as happy and satisfied, the common thread was that they celebrated the ordinary.    They celebrated the everyday.

“It is not enough that your spouse knows that you’re proud of his/her accomplishments. Making a fuss over the small, good things that happen every day can boost the health of your marriage”

FIND SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE TODAY!

I thought hard about what I should write for this first post on Say I Do Forever.com.  There are lots of important topics on marriage, but I wanted this one to be the most important.  What is it that is most important to the survival of a marriage?  I thought back to what I feel is the most important piece of marriage advice I have ever received.

“Marriage is like a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs.  Too many people mistake the ‘downs’ as the end of the ride.”

Many times in our marriage it felt like the end of the ride, but many times we thought about that silly little saying and decided to stick it out.  Boy are we glad we did!  Some of the best times, or “highs” were right around the corner.

In his book ‘If You Want to Walk On Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of The Boat’,  John Ortberg parallels Peter’s experience of walking on water to a Christian’s experience of faith.   Chapter 5  ‘ Seeing the Wind’ is I believe the most powerful chapter.  He outlines Joseph’s story of betrayal, disappointments and failures.

“……one day Joseph was attacked by his brothers, sold to a traveling caravan, carried off to a distant land, and purchased as a slave by a family he did not know……Penniless, powerless, friendless, homeless-he was about to learn what each of us sooner or later comes to know: Your heart is revealed and your character is forged when life does not turn out the way you planned.  It is hard enough to get out of the boat (referring to Peter’s story) when the wind is calm and the water ‘s smooth.  But in life that is rarely the case.  Sooner or later the storms strike–in your marriage, work, ministry, finances, or health.   It is in the act of facing the storm that you discover what lies inside you and decide what lies before you.”

The storms of life will hit.  I can promise you that.  There will be days when you don’t even like the person sitting across the dinner table.  There will be days when you disagree on how to raise the kids or how to do the finances.  Even harder there will be the days when disaster or tragedy strikes around you.  What you choose to do during those times is critical.

“Because Joseph did not quit, he set in motion the development of his potential–the deepening of his faith and endurance–that would one day enable him to become the most effective leader in Egypt and fulfill the part God intended him to play in the rescue of his family and the redemption of the world.  What if Joseph had lived in a spirit of passive resignation?  He would have missed his destiny.  Quitting is always easier than enduring. It is always easier to stop and have a donut than to run another lap, or to stomp out of a room in  anger than to stay and seek to resolve the conflict.”

“When life does not turn out the way you had planned, the option of quitting will always begin to look like sweet relief:

• “This marriage is difficult, I just want out. Or, even if I don’t seek an outright divorce, I’ll just settle for mediocrity. I’ll quit trying.”
• “Seeking to live on a budget and honor God with a tithe is just too hard. I’m going to spend!”
• “This job or this ministry is not what I’d dreamed of.  I had planned on doing great things, playing on a bigger field–not having to be faithful in this situation.  I think I’ll bail out.”

If you are in a place where you feel like quitting I encourge you to read Joseph’s story in Genesis 37  through 47.   Joseph had a dream.  His life did not turn out the way he planned.  He suffered one tragity after another.  But God was with him and Joseph did not give up.  He made the best of bad situations.  He trusted God and in the end it turned out better than he could have ever imagined.

I also encourage you to read John Ortberg’s book.  If you are down, in the pit, feeling like it is the end of the ride, read chapter 5 first then read the rest of the book.  This isn’t the end of the story, it isn’t the end of the ride.   Keep your seatbelts on the best of the ride is still ahead!